Tag Archives: Work

I see you, you see Me

Chemistry

“Whoa!”.  “What is this, I feel!?”.  “I didn’t like you, but now… It’s real!”.  “What is this… Chemistry?  ‘It’s foreign.'”.  “Where did it come from?”.  “I see you, you see me.”.  “Our mouths are not moving, but the truth ‘speaks’.”.  “I’m convicted, ‘flee!’.”.  “But the passion of my heart burns to see!”. “Who says ‘no’ to this ecstasy?”.  “So where is my ‘angle’?”.  “When is the time and how will I know?”.  “This ‘taste’, to be liked.”.  “I’m sought to be known!”.  “The venom is piercing from vein to bone!”.  “I’m losing control!”.  “Help me, God!”.  “There’s nowhere to go!”. 

Profile

Adolescence, doesn’t seem to fit the profile of it’ definition.  There is a period between puberty into maturity, but at what age is the point of maturity?  Although I didn’t reach puberty until a junior in high school.  I was educated by design that procreation was pleasure.  I was not educated about the spiritual meaning.  Marriage is a covenant.  The pleasures of this life are fleeting.  So I occupied myself with mischievous thoughts and fantasies of malpractice.  I think our adolescent profiles need to change, or rather, become educated about the spiritual aspect to our adolescence.  Reader, I’ll need your help if you agree.  If we had been educated about the spiritual aspect of our changing nature and desire during youth could have prevented a series of mistakes that effect everything.  But without you, Reader.  Can a spec of dust effect the vast universe of particles?  After all, that is all of what I am.  A spec of dust; vapor in the wind (if you will), amidst the cosmic order of creation.  So the purpose to influence a person or society with change is next to hitting the lottery, in comparison.  What is the protocol for telling people about their salvation by way of Jesus Christ sending the Holy Spirit into their life?  The “instruction manual” (Bible) for this procedure is very difficult to understand without someone to teach me the truth about my nature and desires.  I’ll need help.

Scenario

Have you ever been unexpectedly forgiven, loved and cherished after confessing certain truths about mistakes that were made?  Knowing already, that the answer to your own question is “undeserving of forgiveness and justifiably deemed unworthy of deliverance from whatever the consequence”?  I have been unexpectedly forgiven.  Reader, my prayer is that you’ll know for yourself, “…have mercy on me, a sinner.”.  My saint of a grandmother forgave me from what I deserved.  Why?  I didn’t deserve a place in her life.  She had every right to send me on my way.  But, she gave me life.  It has been difficult for me to make sense of this.  I’d taken advantage of her gift to care; shelter over my head, clothes on my back, food in my belly, and water to quench the flame.  I “snuck” a lesbian[?] stripper into her home.  And that is but one scenario among others to my shame.  In the processes of my weaknesses; God granted me mercy, forgiveness, and is still healing me to His glory.  I pray this post finds you in your struggle as not only telling you “I can relate”, but that Jesus related beyond relation to the extent of dying… experiencing this place of death although innocent.  Sin is not worth the troubled whispers of lies that only prove a fearful expectation.  There is an expected award for obedience which also means an expected consequence for disobedience.  No different than our prisons in this life, am confident of a prison in the next.  The church is the devils playground; salvation is the game, and vulnerability, his poise.  I see more and more teachers, leaders, and preachers pressed to the limit of their heart’ desires and pride as “untouched by sin because of grace”.  My spirit aches and mourns because of unconfessed sins.  People that fear their own reputation instead of God.  

Secretary

Will the King of a palace say to his trusted counsel, -“Help!  My ‘eye’ is on a woman that is not the Queen”-.  And will the counsel dare reply the King, -“We will pluck that woman out, my King! It is a sin against God; turn from it, and be healed.”-.  Now with the Spirit of God, the Secretary perceived the King’s desire and said to herself, -“God, how should I move, or should I? The King’s eye is upon me. What of my husband? ‘Would he listen or be willing to understand?’. And… what of our family?”-.  This Secretary is the “breadwinner” of her family and the husband a stay at home dad.  This King is good looking and could position this Secretary as Queen.  The Queen says, -“God, my God, thank you for leaving Your palace for the sake of my salvation. Please teach me how You are to be honored in my marriage and position to this throne. Give my Husband the wisdom to lead as You have served.”.  The palace of this kingdom has been compromised by lust but each character has a decision to be made.  Every character is at risk of having to sacrifice something; reputation (eye), life, wealth, and love.

Help

Reader, you are reading this post for a reason.  I’m thankful for the relationship we can have even in this connection of “words on screen”.  I’ve underestimated the power of escape that God provides through knowing His Son by way of the Holy Spirit.  There is always an escape from the desire of sinful practice luring beneath the surface of our skin.  There is a consequential experience (awakening) to a reality that was left covered for a reason.  The mystery to life beyond the grave is real.  My conscience has been torn and ripped apart too many times to sit around for a “well spoken of” reputation that remains enslaved to evil devices common to man.  There is an escape!  Because my God says so!

 

River Course to Recovery

Featured photo: Ben Jacobi www.bdjphoto.com 

Re:generation

Monday’s are when Laura and I meet at Watermark only to be separated by a program that takes us on a journey to recovery from struggles (or spiritual diseases that eat away at our psyche).  To name a few:

  • Abused (Physically/Verbally/Emotionally/Sexually)
  • Abortion
  • Acceptance/ fear of rejection
  • Anger/Rage/Escalation
  • Anxiety
  • Body image
  • Cheating
  • Critical Spirit/Complaining
  • Debt
  • Defined by my past
  • Divorce/Separation
  • Drugs/Substance Abuse/Pills
  • Drunkenness
  • Emotional dependency
  • Evil thoughts/actions
  • Fear
  • Greed/Selfishness/Love of Money
  • Insecurity
  • Isolation/Withdraw
  • Lust
  • Lying/Deceit/Dishonesty
  • Masturbation
  • Pride/Self Righteousness
  • Sexual immorality/fornication
  • Stress
  • Unforgiveness
  • Voyeurism
  • Worry

The list is much longer, alarming, and questioning, but stem from three main roots identifiable here.  The program is a heavy load to bear, but worth it.  I’ll assure you.  The step group of men I’ve been assigned with have just completed the “3rd Step” heading into “Inventory” (4th Step) to a 12 Step—year long process for understanding, healing, and change.  Inventory is where I’ll be enduring the “max” weight of the process, with my band of brothers to “spot” the weight.  This is the equivalent of what it takes to be a Navy Seal but from a spiritual perspective.  The determination that qualifies my recovery is entirely between me and the Holy Spirit of God.  Will I qualify?

Spiritual Warfare

warfareRaised attending church and later even considered a PK (Preacher’s kid); having been sexually molested and abused as a child; medicated the majority of my life for ADD/ADHD (Ritalin, Strattera, Adderall, and Vyvanse); devastated by my parents divorce, depressed and confused; addicted to pornography; emotionally and physically manipulated and abused; exposed to and experienced sexual misconduct and immorality; disowned family while abandoned by family; experienced drugs and transported; the hypocrite of hypocrites; liar and deceiver, hiding my pain with the guilt of others shame; holes in my doors and walls, angry at everything; dead to the world with literal broken bones, hydrocodone, and time to kill; finally, the truth is but a question still, “Am I Forgiven?”.  I’ve said to myself over and over again, “‘But’ this.  And, ‘but’ that.”.  In response to not understanding or trusting that I’m truly loved by God.  So for me to accept a truth that such evil could be forgiven, was intolerable, “It can’t be!  Impossible!  How?”.  I’d make the claim, “My sexual reproductive system ‘justifies’ the act of my ‘second glance’ that deems me guilty of committing adultery according to the preacher’s preaching.”.  Then I must be already on a river course to Hell.  Why would this life permit such evil “freedoms” in respect of (not getting caught) governmental laws and city ordinances that would convict me otherwise, if not to subtly and discreetly enjoy?  So, my flesh would say in its sin, “What happens in this life ‘stays’ in this life.”, after all, “It’s forgiven.”.  Reader, do you hear that pride?  According to biblical standards; offering up my blood as payment for a place in the Kingdom of God will not suffice for a Holy God and will have to (justifiably) come to a verdict, “guilty of sin”.  I am incapable of bearing the weight of my sin and no amount of money will free me from the truth within the “needle” (death penalty) that awaits me.  Have I been abandoned by God?

Qualified

Around the age of 16 I’d disowned my dad (Jim Dooley) and denounced him to the “biological father” status with an agenda to prove the point.  When my dad would approach me with open arms for a hug, I’d refuse; or again with a hand shake, in public, still refuse.  On my graduation day in front of all my fellow classmates and peers had my name called out as my step-dad’s last name, “Powell”.  To make it clear with my legal name change that I would have nothing to do with Jim.  It wasn’t until I was so broken (literally) alone in my home, finding a letter from my dad that wrote “I love you” all over the face of it and inside, the desired expression to have a “relationship again”.  When I had first received this card, I’d thrown it aside thinking it not to be found ever again… Until.  There is a part of the story with powerful significance to this letter that will have to come in a later post.  Amidst the lies of the enemy that would cloud my judgment and ability to discern right from wrong realized I had the ability to forgive Jim.  It had nothing to do with anything my dad had done wrong.  Only the fact that I had the power to forgive.  Get this!  Even having the knowledge of all that has been done wrong in not only my life, but my family’s, left me in a position to choose the next step.  Will I forgive it all?  All that was presented and lain before you in my life above.  Have I forgiven it? And, am I forgiven?  I broke down sobbing with snot and tears when realizing that God was speaking to me in that letter, “I love you” — “I hope to have a relationship with you again”.  My lust, pride, and insecurities had me blind to the nature of God as my Father.  It was not until the “prodigal son” would call his dad asking the right to his last name again, “Dooley”, that I’d taken the step to become a prodigal son of my Heavenly Father.  The most difficult part about forgiveness is trusting its integrity.  It was only until yesterday that I’d decided to truly trust the Word of God without a “but” to deter my focus from that truth.  That faith in The Word of God, is how I’m qualified!


12 His eyes are a flame of fire, and on His head are many diadems; and He has a name written on Him which no one knows except Himself. 13 He is clothed with a robe dipped in blood, and His name is called The Word of God. 14 And the armies which are in heaven, clothed in fine linen, white and clean, were following Him on white horses.


 

Nathan’s Change of Course

Featured photo: Ben Jacobi www.bdjphoto.com 

 

Hi, my name is Nathan. … “Since birth my life has been a winding river changing direction with no end in sight or ‘right’ turn to make.  That-about-sums-it-up.  Until next time.  Peace be with you.”—

 

 

 

It’s funny, I’ve felt that as being heavily the case for this blog site and especially my life here recently.  Thinking to myself, “How can a confused person write blogs about direction without direction?”.  If you’re laughing?  I’m “chuckling” with you in embarrassment, “brushing off the dust of my pride”.  I’ve changed course to a new direction or rather, “the direction of my river has changed course by no power of mine“.  If you’ve “stumbled” across this site as result of this post for the first time, it’s nice to meet you.  Don’t run off.  Consider exploring through the “menu”.  If you’re familiar with this site, please consider revisiting the “menu items” and prepare to be inspired by the changes only a real God influences!  We are seriously loved!

Reader, I have questions coming from way up high, “Left, no.. Right field! Right field”!  What river path of life are you on?  (You will get a glimpse of my path by investigating this site as an example but hope will discover my heart as true in the process?).  Do you know the spiritual direction of your life?  (I know that my spiritual direction has brought me to “here and now” writing to you.).  Why has our courses clashed?  (That is a theory that only one person in the world has proved.).

Are you willing to join me on a journey?  Please, invite your family and bring your friends to explore your answers to these questions.  Our journey will renew the mind and take us out of this world!