Category Archives: Therapy

An Update 7-14-21

What happened? I blinked, and it’s been nearly 3 weeks since I’ve posted. Time is unrelenting. You might remember a few of my *cringing* ‘public journal’ posts with a draft and revised outline as you’ll find linked below:


//DRAFT//

  • Jesus Christ is my belief structure.
    1. What does that mean? (salvation).
      1. Human soul and God.
        1. Saved by grace through faith.
        2. How does faith work?
  • I love my wife—priority.
    1. She is the core/center of my responsibilities.
      1. I need structure.
        1. Public Journal/accountability
  • Job with hours to aid me on this trajectory.
    1. Not ideal, but blessed.
      1. I work nights and days.
      2. Best option at the moment.
        1. Aim for only nights if available.
        2. Or learn how to write, like, very good!
  • Psychology Professor—Jordan Peterson.
    1. Mentor/Maps of Meaning/(biblical skeptic?)
      1. I think Jordan’s strategy to understand ‘meaning’ is awesome!
  • My personality— understand and improve.
    1. 1 Peter 3:15 (but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence;)
      1. There is a hope in the personality of a believer.
        1. My personality is wild; I want to understand it.
  • Skill/s to master:
    1. Writing.
  • Goal/s…
    • Is there more than one?
      • Where is the sacred ground?
        • What is this going to do?
          • How will this be effective?
            • What is the sacrifice?
              • Will the practice, preach?
                • What does it mean?
                  • When is it time to plant?
  • The seed is to sanctify Christ as Lord in my heart.

//REVISED//

  • Jesus Christ is my belief structure.
    1. What does that mean? (salvation).
      1. Human soul and God.
        1. Saved by grace through faith.
        2. How does faith work?
  • I love my wife—priority.
    1. She is the core/center of my responsibilities.
      1. I need structure.
        1. Public Journal/accountability
  • Job with hours to aid me on this trajectory.
    1. Not ideal, but blessed.
      1. I work nights and days.
      2. Best option at the moment.
        1. Aim for only nights if available.
        2. Or learn how to write, like, very good!
  • Psychology Professor—Jordan Peterson.
    1. Mentor/Maps of Meaning/(biblical skeptic?)
      1. I think Jordan’s strategy to understand ‘meaning’ is awesome!
  • My personality— understand and improve.
    1. 1 Peter 3:15 (but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence;)
      1. There is a hope in the personality of a believer.
        1. My personality is wild; I want to understand it.
  • Skill/s to master:
    1. Writing.
    2. Videography.
  • Goal/s…
    • Is there more than one?
      • Where is the sacred ground?
        • What is this going to do?
          • How will this be effective?
            • What is the sacrifice?
              • Will the practice, preach?
                • What does it mean?
                  • When is it time to plant?
  • The seed is to sanctify Christ as Lord in my heart.

If the above outline is new to you, perfect, don’t worry about investigating it. I’ll give a brief background as to why they’re relevant.

The outline dates back to December of 2020 (approximately 7 months ago). I was prepping for the typical new years resolution (2021). Judging from my outline, that wasn’t all; there was obviously much more going on with me than setting goals. I had questions. And although I didn’t realize it at the time, the heart of my outline manifested as a kind of framework. A framework that might otherwise be described as an abstract place of reference, and a compass that’s navigated me to writing this post today. In reviewing the two outlines, there’s a very miniscule, but invaluable revision.

  • Skill/s to master:
    1. Writing.
  • Skill/s to master:
    1. Writing.
    2. Videography.

Now, of course—as the mastery of any developing value system requires the discipline—I have yet to master either of these arts, but the point of the revision in my outline is the fact that I wrote those specific skills of profession down with the intention to master them. The writing them down with intention is key. And while unpaid as a writer of this site, also unpaid as a content creator uploading YouTube videos on various “experimental” (most failed) channels I’d created over the past few years; the evidence of providence that this site means to represent gives me the privilege to tell you that my foot is now in the door as a professional video editor. But hold on! I’m just getting started! It took 5 months after writing out that revised outline before becoming a paid video editor. Much has happened over the course of 7 months since that outline.

OUTLINE

  • [12/16/20] Jesus Christ is my belief structure.
    1. [12/16/20] What does that mean? (Salvation).
    1. [12/16/20] Human soul and God.
    2. [7/14/21] What is the relationship between a person’s soul and God?
      1. [12/16/20] Saved by grace through faith.
      2. [7/14/21] Featured photo of this post update is an example of my work in developing frameworks that workout abstractions and understand axioms for righteous behavior.
  • [12/16/20] How does faith work?
    • [7/14/21] This outline is proving an example of how faith works.
  • [12/16/20] I love my wife—priority.
    1. [12/16/20] She is the core/center of my responsibilities.
    2. [7/14/21] This has not changed although a much needed constant reminder.
      1. [12/16/20] I need structure.
        1. [12/16/20] Public Journal/accountability
          • [7/14/21] This post marks a good direction in structure and accountability.
  • [12/16/20] Job with hours to aid me on this trajectory.
  • [7/14/21] Trajectory of James 5:19-20
    1. [12/16/20] Not ideal, but blessed.
      1. [12/16/20] I work nights and days.
        1. [12/16/20] Best option at the moment.
        2. [12/16/20] Aim for only nights if available.
          1. [7/14/21] I’m currently working a night shift!
        3. [12/16/20] Or learn how to write, like, very good!
          1. [7/14/21] Still a work in progress, but progressive nonetheless.
  • [12/16/20] Psychology Professor—Jordan Peterson.
    1. [12/16/20] Mentor/Maps of Meaning/(biblical skeptic?)
      1. [12/16/20] I think Jordan’s strategy to understand ‘meaning’ is awesome!
  • [12/16/20] My personality— understand and improve.
    • [7/14/21]
    • Agreeableness: 85
      1. Compassion: 96
      2. Politeness: 45
    • Conscientiousness: 35
      1. Industriousness: 44
      2. Orderliness: 30
    • Extraversion: 99
      1. Enthusiasm: 96
      2. Assertiveness: 98
    • Neuroticism: 92
      1. Withdrawal: 72
      2. Volatility: 97
    • Openness to Experience: 75
      1. Intellect: 28
      2. Openness: 95
  • [12/16/20] 1 Peter 3:15 (but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence;)
    1. [12/16/20] There is a hope in the personality of a believer.
    2. [7/14/21] See above…
      1. [12/16/20] My personality is wild; I want to understand it.
      2. [7/14/21] See above…
  • [12/16/20] Skill/s to master:
    1. [12/16/20] Writing.
      • [7/14/21] Still writing.
    2. [12/16/20] Videography.
      • [7/14/21] Continually developing my skill in the field – video editor.
  • [12/16/20] Goal/s…
    • [12/16/20] Is there more than one?
    • [7/14/21] Yes.
      • [12/16/20] Where is the sacred ground?
      • [7/14/21] It’s between the spoken and written Word given from the Spirit above to emerge from the soul beneath as truth.
        • [12/16/20] What is this going to do?
        • [7/14/21] …
          • [12/16/20] How will this be effective?
          • [7/14/21] Look from where you started to where you are, and analyze.
            • [12/16/20] What is the sacrifice?
              • [12/16/20] Will the practice, preach?
                • [12/16/20] What does it mean?
                  • [12/16/20] When is it time to plant?
  • [12/16/20] The seed is to sanctify Christ as Lord in my heart.

Have you outlined the heart of your vision and mission in life on this earth? If you haven’t, then let this post be a coach to you, and encourage you. Keep striving toward your goals with faith, and expect the providence of God.


RESOURCES


Relevant Posts

“…who takes away the sin of the world!”

Read Me First

“The next day he *saw Jesus coming to him and *said, “Behold, the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world!”—John 1:29

—(Elijah) John the Baptist
Matthew 17:11 And He answered and said, “Elijah is coming and will restore all things; 12 but I say to you that Elijah already came, and they did not recognize him, but did to him whatever they wished. So also the Son of Man is going to suffer at their hands.” 13 Then the disciples understood that He had spoken to them about John the Baptist. 

MY FOCUS

As I focus on these journal entry posts, I learn and understand more about myself and my deepest concern, the salvation of souls. Ever since I’ve heard and believed in the gospel, the question of whether someone is saved or not has always been at the core of my desire to understand. More on that in other posts.

In my previous post, which is a building block to this one, I wrote, “God didn’t create me to be good or evil, or even to be as in-between—under the curse of sin as a sinner while alive by the grace of God to exist separate from Him (And thank God for that!).” Which has compelled me to expound.

GOOD OR EVIL, OBSERVE:

  • Thinking about whether God created me to be good or evil?

I don’t think God created me to be good or evil, meaning there is a difference between ‘knowing good and evil‘ and ‘being good or evil‘. God saw all that He had made, then declared it ‘all‘ as … ‘very good‘; that didn’t mean that what He created innocent from the knowledge of good and evil to be limited by that innocence as programmed robots without risk, eating that fruit to have the knowledge of good and evil, of which existed altogether in harmony with the Lord God in the garden of Eden.

So sin existed in consequence of God warning Adam and Eve not to eat, or surely they would die (Genesis 2:17 but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you will surely die.”), and since Adam and Eve ate that fruit we all die because God means what He says; God is Holy and Just to execute the punishment deemed worthy of those attributes against His enemies. When mankind disobeyed God, we became enemies of God that reaps the consequences of that disobedience, and so therefore, we all suffer death.

1 Corinthians 15:22 For as in Adam all die, so also in Christ all will be made alive.

CREATED AS A SINNER?

I’m confident that God didn’t create me to be a sinner, which was what I meant by “in-between”—forever separated from God in the prison of death and Hades if it had-been that Adam ate from the tree of life (Genesis 3:22 Then the Lord God said, “Behold, the man has become like one of Us, knowing good and evil; and now, he might stretch out his hand, and take also from the tree of life, and eat, and live forever”—) to live forever in the consequence of our due penalty and present state of death; It would be miserable if this world of suffering … is without end, (Revelation 1:18 and the living One; and I was dead, and behold, I am alive forevermore, and I have the keys of death and of Hades.).

Thank God for Jesus taking away the sin of the world!

  • Thinking about what it means to be separated from God?

I know that I’m separated from God through knowledge gained by experience in this flesh and blood of sin and death under the grace of God (1 Corinthians 15:26 The last enemy that will be abolished is death.) by guilt that is incapable of inheriting the kingdom of God (1 Corinthians 15:50 Now I say this, brethren, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God; nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable.). Truth testifies to the death that I am dying as the last enemy to God yet to be abolished by the return of Jesus Christ (1 Thessalonians 4:15 For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16 For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17 Then we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we shall always be with the Lord.).

SO AGAIN I SAY!

THANK GOD FOR HIS LAMB!

So all that to say that when Jesus took away the sin of the world at the cross as the Lamb of God, all entered into a new covenant of which saves us through faith.

The gift of God does not come without responsibility, that is to say, without repentance; repentance is experienced through much discipline by the Helper—the Holy Spirit (John 14:25 “These things I have spoken to you while abiding with you. 26 But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all that I said to you. 27 Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.). (John 16:6 But because I have said these things to you, grief has filled your heart. 7 But I tell you the truth: it is to your advantage that I am leaving; for if I do not leave, the Helper will not come to you; but if I go, I will send Him to you. And He, when He comes, will convict the world regarding sin, and righteousness, and judgment: 9 regarding sin, because they do not believe in Me; 10 and regarding righteousness, because I am going to the Father and you no longer are going to see Me; 11 and regarding judgment, because the ruler of this world has been judged.).

Who is the ruler of this world?

I’ll leave that to build on in the next post.

Matthew 17:11 And He answered and said, “Elijah is coming and will restore all things; 12 but I say to you that Elijah already came, and they did not recognize him, but did to him whatever they wished. So also the Son of Man is going to suffer at their hands.” 13 Then the disciples understood that He had spoken to them about John the Baptist.

Nathan’s Public Journal | V

Tuesday, 12/29/2020

As I’ve thought more and more about this public journal and the interweaving of a story that tells The Taste Of Immortality (previous journal posts). I’ve come to realize how difficult it would be to maintain that course, and not only that, but if continued, would actually do a disservice to the concept of WarCof in that fictional nonfiction story. The idea of that story was meant to shift the readers perspective from their flesh of sin to a mind of the Spirit while using my life to bring it about, but it won’t work like that. So I plan on turning that story into a book, but in doing so will require some time and help.

Now that I have a consistency with these I die daily devotionals, am preparing to implement my goals for this new year! One goal being systematic in the T4P YouTube channel that is now named “T4P PODCAST” that will start having at least a video a week.

“The goal for this channel is to build a fortification of Christian Wisdom. Time For Providence means to broadcast the good news of the gospel, and also warn the reality of its message once heard. The good news of the gospel is that salvation is here by the name of Jesus Christ in the power of the Holy Spirit, and when the soul believes in Jesus by faith, the Spirit cleanses the sinner through a process of justification for sanctification. However, the reality of this process will be a discipline that the soul undergoes for an eternal outcome, and discipline does not ever feel good although necessary for change. Everyone reacts differently to this spiritual process, and that can cause a lot of confusion as to how to respond to this truth of which not all believe. So I hope and pray that you’ll give this channel a listen, and discover the love of an Eternal Father through Jesus Christ who desires a relationship in you.”

Right now all I have is cringe worthy content, but the whole reason there is a field to practice is to develop ones skills for winning the game. I miss playing soccer… anyway.

What bothers me the most about myself at times is the goof that comes out to absolutely obliterate the potential to be taken seriously or keep a good thing going. Not that being a goof doesn’t have its benefits when the timing is right and measured appropriately during the occasion, but I’ve failed many-a-times and reaped an inevitable embarrassment, losing the momentum or worse, evaporating from the present situation to never show my face again.

And so I have a theory that should help me regulate that spontaneous humor lurking to reveal itself by organizing my time differently. That’s another systematic goal going forward into this new year, time management, but my work schedule will be the conflicting factor to this goal and foresee its difficulty. That’s okay, its… at the very least, in my subconscious to work that out.

Now as far as an outcome based goal—write a book. I want to write several books, but if I can write at least one book this next year I’ll be ecstatic at that achievement! About writing books, there is another idea I’m experimenting with for this website, which is adding a couple pages dedicated for fiction/nonfiction based story writing. I’m still working that out in my head, but we’ll see; I’m not convinced about this idea because I already feel in over my head about what I have for this new year as it is.

My take away from 2020… is discovering the value of time and the meaning of my purpose while on this earth; I won’t reveal, yet, what that purpose is, but will say that there is no greater value than the gift of the gospel.

Belief is an axiomatic living system within the innermost part of the human being, and this system functions as an abstract ideological personality that represents the soul. Everyone believes that they are alive because of this system, but not all have [edited 02/01/2021] *exercise* faith to fear the God that can destroy this system in hell—Matt 10:28 Do not fear those who kill the body but are unable to kill the soul; but rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. An axiomatic system is self-evident by the nature of two energies that build a structure of principles to reflect on [edited 02/01/2021] one truth, we are going to die because of disobedience, *which is* the very nature of sin; the two energies are good and evil that we experience as a consequence of knowledge, having eaten the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

So the soul of the human being is compromised by this system because its only capable of disobeying the law of God; when we’re commanded not to do something, that very law of the command produces the nature of our condition, which is to inevitably sin—even if we want to obey the law. Ultimately… because the law of God is Holy, and the soul of man is cursed with sin, the law kills the person for reason of being incapable of obedience to the law. However, although the human being dies, we also give birth to new life over, and over, and over, again, until finally there is an end; which, if the end came, the law would judge our cause useless forever to be *abandoned and* forgotten in *this evolving* pit of hell. But the end hadn’t come yet, and there was a solution to the problem of the law that kills. [edited 02/01/2021]

God gave us – human beings – His own Son, heir to His throne, for all the *Law and Prophets* to be fulfilled*,* and sin taken away from the world. However, there was still a problem, humankind is cursed with disobedience. God, knowing our curse of disobedience would ultimately murder His Son*;* Jesus remained obedient to His Father, our God, where we could not… so the curse of the law would be lifted and an offering of eternal life granted for all human beings that believe in Jesus Christ. [edited 02/01/2021 *edification in progress*]

Nathan’s Public Journal | IV

Sunday, 12/20/2020

When the cleaning crew arrived, the majority are ladies, and they’re attractive.

As soon as I saw them come in to collect their keys for access; their bodies burned that red and fiery orange color that orbed around their physique, but there was something different; I could see a light brownish glow that came from their brain. This color was new, or… I didn’t recognize it before. And as they would get closer, and closer, to the security desk, that brownish color intensified to it’s darkest form.

After issuing them their keys, WarCof appears next to me and asks, “Why do you see that color?”

Ignoring WarCof, I escort them to the elevators of the second floor.

My security desk is stationed on the second floor of my building of 4; my building is located on the west wing also know as West Tower-2 (WT2). There are 24 floors to each of these 4 buildings, and they’re built perpendicular to each other: North, South, East, and West.

They were built in this way for its main attraction, which is a globe that hangs in the middle connecting each of these towers at the 12th floor.

The elevators have two sets of doors; the first set grants access to visitors, tenants, and vendors to the Towers; the second set will open exclusively for authorized personal to the globe, but no tenants, vendors, or visitors have access—making my job that much more fun—not even the third party management company that answers directly to GE, or God’s Eye, we call it, has access without security, into the globe.

GE stands for Global Earth, which is the company name of very powerful people I have yet to meet in person, and to the best of my knowledge the globe functions as a meeting lab for Avengers. Okay, well, not exactly. But it gives off that feel … considering the secrecy and philanthropic vibe by research, and having observed the evolving change and activity from a distance for 7 years; it’s a mystery, and way way above my pay grade to care that much.

On the way to the elevators, the cleaning crew is in front of me, and the ladies have my attention whether they’d asked for it or not. They are talking in their native tongue, Spanish. Some are giggling while making subtle glances in my direction; young, early twenties, somewhat petite, but the worst part is…they’re desirable, and they know it.

My routine is rote which makes this part of my job very dangerous in that I’m human and experience what humans desire; which if not controlled, compromises the nature of my position to prevent liability, maintain integrity, and hold dear my vows to Laura; the vulnerability of the human condition is sensitive to the extreme, and for some odd reason the reproductive system of my body ignites this desire to be fruitful and multiply more children of wrath in this world.

These colors of light about these ladies is entrancing… How the deep dark red is pulsating to their hearts’ beat, their bodies lit a flame that orbs about them, and now, how the color of their minds are shifting shades of brown as I draw closer or further away. I stare more intently at the color of their mind and feel this urg—

DING” – “SECOND FLOOR—GOING DOWN

Distracted by the elevator’s artificial operator, I think to myself “Why do I see that color?”, and quickly come to my senses.

It’s afterhours and in the event there is any malfunction, especially an indicator of a technological glitch in the artificial intelligent geware; I must be ready to respond and immediately notify PM—Property Management—which technically is that third party management service aforementioned, so they can quickly report the issue and await further instruction. I’m more or less a backup system in the event of a cyber crisis, and the geware system need be shutdown; or basically, quite simply, the elevator doors, just…don’t open.

On the way back to the security desk I process the color activity between me and those attractive women, why did the color behave like that?

Then WarCof, still with me, said—”Nathan, you don’t see your own color for a reason, but as you’ve already witnessed: there is a blue to green light orb that describes the essence of men, so too, you have in like fashion as they. As both these colors between men and women collide, a language is revealed. A language of activity that has the power to reveal an active truth. And as those ladies drew nearer to you, the colors revealed the nature of your sin, your desire; humans have a chemical energy and radiance that influences the behavior in which you were experiencing. When the green orbs of men clashes with the orange orbs of women, information that is invisible to the human eye you now have access to see, and the brown color in the minds of those women—you found attractive—reveals a nature of sin that is in every human.”

Stunned, I didn’t know what to think. I went on autopilot and continued to process every word of what WarCof said… and in that state, I remained.

I arrive home, it’s late, Laura is already asleep, but there she lay in all her magnificence, with that beautiful deep red to fiery purple orb that lights up the dark just right, it’s perfect, and incredible. The light behaves in such a way that it brings peace as she sleeps, “pfffffffff…” then there’s this loudest fart that came out of nowhere vibrating the entire room, strong enough to disturb the colors of the orb. That was amazing and quite profound, I thought it would never end. She shuffles a little bit, unconsciously, like she was about to wake up, but nope. No matter.

I can’t help but to watch her sleep, like a creeper, and I have so many questions. Like… why does her mind not behave like that of the other women? I don’t see the brown glow in her mind? Is she attracted to me? Have I no attraction for her? Does she not have that sin as WarCof said? Was WarCof wrong? Can I trust what WarCof is telling me? Is something wrong…

THE TASTE OF IMMORTALITY

Nathan’s Public Journal | III

Thursday, 12/17/2020

Laura burns with a different color than the other women I see. Her heart burns with that same intense deep red, but where there is a fiery orange for the other women… Laura has a gorgeous purple similar to that of WarCof. “Why”, I say to WarCof, but then everything unfreezes and WarCof is disappeared, gone. Everything returned as though nothing happened, but something remained…


Okay, the bigger font is our story. I still have the date at the top of our journal post to indicate the present time. The military time (Time ####—) I used in the previous journal entry NPJ | II was to log the actual time I was writing that day to describe my events of that day—that actually occurred, other than the fantasy aspect of the narration—I’m using for the beginning of our story. And to prevent any confusion between fiction or nonfiction; I’m using this smaller font as my true nonfictional self (Hi, my name is Nathan), where as now, the…

bigger font

…has evolved into our story line, which includes fiction with the nonfiction. The fiction, of course, involves: WarCof and these now supernatural affects/abilities to our characters that describe our eternal realm that surrounds us, and is truly about us. This story is describing a very present and real taste of immortality, but also told from a very real dying and human perspective, of which the meaning is revealed as the story continues. Okay, now back to the story—where Nathan is still at NorthPark Center with Laura having a mental breakdown…


My head is spinning, I’m dizzy. I could hear the muffled tone of Laura’s concerned voice, “Honey, are you okay?” But it was like waking up from a vivid dream, processing what I’d just dreamt. But in this case witnessed, thinking—did that just really happen, is this really happening—do I really have these new abilities, what is going on?

I feel this pain in my head gradually increasing as I look at Laura; her body is transparent by this deep pulsating dark red, the color moves with each beat—thu-dump, thu-dump, thu-dump—of her heart, causing a ripple like effect; the light is as constant as her pulse, like it’s alive or something; as the light moves outward from her heart to the shape of her body, that dark red transitions to light red at her frame; then right at the exterior of her frame, the colors converge into this fiery purple, giving off this orb like glow that extends out into her surrounding space. It’s magnificent…

“‘AHH!’ ‘OU!’ ‘SSS-GAWW!'” It’s painful to look at her for too long.

Laura’s tone becomes desperate, “Honeyyyy, talk to me, what’s wrong?” “EMMMM—my head … hurts. Might be a migraine?”, I lie.

We’re on the second floor of the shopping center, a railing is close by; the center of the mall opens up from floor to ceiling, revealing the two dividing floors where escaladers are strategically stationed at select locations for consumers to ascend and descend between the floors.

I stumble to the railing, catching myself, while hearing Laura’s elevated tone, “Honey!? … Honey!?? Do you need to sit down!? Are you okay!?”

We are not far from the food court, and the place is packed with all kinds of humans! The light shining from each person gives off an extraordinary combination of colors, especially as they get closer to the orbs of other people. It’s fascinating!

While I’m on the railing, I can see the first floor where people are walking under us oblivious to who’s looking from above.

I try my best to keep my composure; I have one hand on my face squeezing my head with my index finger and thumb, while the other hand is holding myself up on this rail—with the help of Laura, of course.

I close my eyes, shake my head violently, blink rapidly, and several times. I’m trying to adapt to this changing condition and new ability of my sight to these colors of light; I don’t understand it—obviously—it’s not making any sense, why would it?

I mumble… “WarCof” … “What! Who?”, Laura asked. “Oh uh— nothing”, I say quickly, while thinking to myself; how do I know his name?

I could feel Laura’s arm squeeze tighter; she had wrapped it around me to prevent the worst possible outcome, going over the rail when I’d stumbled over to it; she is trying to hold me up—deeply concerned that I’m about to pass-out or something, “Come on honey, let’s go.”

She motions to that bench, that bench where the kid was above—frozen mid air—now, available.

I’m catching glimpses of peoples’ attention drawing on us now, and I can feel Laura’s anxiety spiking. People walking by us are slowing down.

Aware of what’s happening; I try to adapt immediately to fake a normal composure, but I can feel myself changing, and it’s extremely painful with each step. My brain is throbbing, and the vibration of my steps—intensifies the pain.

It felt like eternity, but finally, a place to sit.

The bystanders are curious, I can feel them. I tell Laura, “I don’t feel so good.” Laura wanted to call the police, but I’d noticed already, several were close by, acting aloof, while Laura was still waiting on my answers after so many unanswered frantic questions. “No, no! I’m okay, I’m okay!” I said.

I’m obviously not okay, but attempting to explain the nature of my condition would land me in a Psych ward.

“Let’s go home.” I say to Laura. “Okay, babae kissies”, she says ever so sweetly. So I muster the strength to get up, and hopefully, walk normal—which might look like I was either drugged or drunk to onlookers watching our every move. I mean it does, indeed, look weird seeing a grown man leaning on a cute little Mexican woman for support.

But then again, looking around, the other men with Hispanic ladies are doing the same thing. I guess I’m not the only husband getting la chancla at home, one guy even used Morse code to signal an S.O.S. from the light of his phone in his pocket and also—”these women are crazy, man, help me”—I signaled back—dude, mine knows that signal, are you trying to get us killed—his eyes got massive, face full of fear, and then we smiled facetiously as we moved along.

As soon as Laura and I make it back to our decked-out four door 2035 hovering Toyota Corolla LE that counters the gravitation pull… or rather, the momentum of the earths rotational force around the sun influx of our Milky Way galaxy’s trajectory into dark matter and energy—Laura pops’ the trunk, throws me in saying, “I saw the Morse code.”, and pulls out this chancla I’d never seen before.


The End.


Okay, not really, but once inside our normal gas engine vehicle, I passed out cold—dead asleep. I hardly remember getting out of the car to find our bed once we’d arrived home, and thankfully, I didn’t have work until Thursday 12/17/2020.


Two days later—today.


I’d slept for nearly two days, woke up feeling like it was any other day, and just in time to get ready for work.

I could hear Laura downstairs in the kitchen, probably preparing me something to eat now, and a meal for later. I quickly get dressed in my security uniform and go downstairs. BOOM! I hit the door at the end of our staircase as soon as I see Laura. There she is in all her fiery red purple glow as she stands in the kitchen stunned and confused by my display.

It all came back to me, and I remember the WarCof encounter and the sound of his voice.

Thinking to myself What do these colors mean? as I make my way to Laura, still somewhat confused. “Something’s going on with you?”, she says. “Me, naww, I’m alright, much better now that I’ve slept.” I kiss her, but could tell that Laura wasn’t buying it, and time didn’t allow for further investigation.

I ate fast, grabbed my meal and supplies for work, and said, “Thank you, Love, I love you.” Laura walks me to the door, watches me like some creeper as I walk to the car. Just kidding, she always beholds me with great wonder and enthusiasm as I strut to the car like I’m the king of the world because she’s watching.

I put my things in the back seat, just behind the drivers side, and as soon as I get in the car—WarCof.

WarCof appears in the passenger side seat in all his amazing glory scaring the death, literally, out of me, “How did yo—” “Drive!”

I put the car in gear and head north from south Dallas. “What is going on?” I ask with subtle fear and intense hope, “You know the scriptures, and where it speaks of what this experience is…” “No, no I don’t, and how do I know your name? WarCof.” “Don’t worry about driving.” There was a brief silence. “…What!?” “I know where your occupation is—so don’t worry about driving.” This was weird, I didn’t know how to respond to that. So I kept silent.

I continued to drive in disbelief of his instruction. I didn’t say another word, but for some reason, his company remained with me in the passenger seat. So we just sat there, in silence, the whole way to my job site in the metroplex of Dallas TX. Once I’d arrived onsite, clocked in for duty, WarCof was still at my side—or at least, within proximity of my sight. His presence was powerful, nothing like anything to compare from an earthly description.

I stationed myself at the security desk after making a patrol of the site, checking the high priority areas inside the high-rise office building first, then the integrity of the garage and building structure next. The cleaning services were about to arrive, and would need access into certain tenants’ offices with a red dot on their door handle indicating ‘authorized personal only’.

When the cleaning crew arrived, the majority are ladies, and they’re attractive. As soon as I saw them coming into the building to collect their keys for access, their bodies burned with that red and fiery orange color that orbed around their physique, but there was something different. I could see a light brownish glow that came from their brain. This color was new, or… I didn’t recognize it before. As they would get closer and closer to the security desk, that brownish color intensified to it’s darkest form.

After issuing them their keys, WarCof appears next to me and asks, “Why do you see that color?”


Okay, we’ll get to there in a our next journal entry (NPJ | IV). Until then, be thinking about this scripture: For in the case of those who have once been enlightened and have tasted of the heavenly gift and have been made partakers of the Holy Spirit, 5 and have tasted the good word of God and the powers of the age to come, 6 and then have fallen away, it is impossible to renew them again to repentance, since they again crucify to themselves the Son of God and put Him to open shame.

THE TASTE OF IMMORTALITY

Nathan’s Public Journal | II

Tuesday, 12/15/2020

Time 0140—In the morning of this brisk, silent, night. Well, “silent”… as in a feeling; my beautiful wife is breathing in a way that indicates REM sleep, and there is a sound of warm air blowing through the ventilation system—to fight off the cold in the night; awe of course, and the sound of the ‘k’ ‘e’ ‘y’ ‘s’ mashing against my keyboard as my fingers mean to type quietly. I don’t want to awaken the… Naura; ooooohhhh…I’m joking-I’m Joking! My wife (Laura), is the sweetest; even if she woke up, she’d probably unconsciously give me a hug and a kiss, then back to bed.

So after listening to the critique, well… honest advice, of my wife, on the original version to this journal entry (12/12-14/2020), decided on a different tactic for this post. I won’t bore you on the details because written well, it won’t matter.

Don’t mind skipping past the reference structure below. It’s my map.


  • Jesus Christ is my belief structure.
    1. What does that mean? (salvation).
      1. Human soul and God.
        1. Saved by grace through faith.
        2. How does faith work?
  • I love my wife—priority.
    1. She is the core/center of my responsibilities.
      1. I need structure.
        1. Public Journal/accountability
  • Job with hours to aid me on this trajectory.
    1. Not ideal, but blessed.
      1. I work nights and days.
      2. Best option at the moment.
        1. Aim for only nights if available.
        2. Or learn how to write, like, very good!
  • Psychology Professor—Jordan Peterson.
    1. Mentor/Maps of Meaning/(biblical skeptic?)
      1. I think Jordan’s strategy to understand ‘meaning’ is awesome!
  • My personality— understand and improve.
    1. 1 Peter 3:15 (but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence;)
      1. There is a hope in the personality of a believer.
        1. My personality is wild; I want to understand it.
  • Skill/s to master:
    1. Writing.
    2. Videography.
  • Goal/s…
    • Is there more than one?
      • Where is the sacred ground?
        • What is this going to do?
          • How will this be effective?
            • What is the sacrifice?
              • Will the practice, preach?
                • What does it mean?
                  • When is it time to plant?
  • The seed is to sanctify Christ as Lord in my heart.

Time 0439—Just completed a couple scheduled devotionals (P1-V15 and P1-V16). Now that, that work is prepped; it frees me up to get creative with this public journal. The idea is to write in a way that tells a story, a true story, but with a twist. The reason this journal is public is to benefit both the writer, but more importantly, the reader. And I can’t have you bored out of your mind. So let me go get some more coffee real quick as I think about you in this story of ours.

Time 0519—I kid you not, as soon as I grabbed my coffee cup to head downstairs, Laura says to me, “Are you getting coffee?” Mind you, she has no idea what I’d just written, the room is dark (other than the candle next to me), and she couldn’t see that I’d grabbed my cup (because a black fabric blocks her view as it hangs from our ceiling nearly the length of our desk). This might be prophetic—said facetiously. I asked her how she knew I was going to get coffee, and she says “I don’t know.” I mean, that’s just providential!

Anyway, as I thought of you while getting coffee; I was inspired by the written word of God, to have a title for our story:

THE TASTE OF IMMORTALITY

Time 0911—We live in the realm of the eternal, this isn’t a fictional story. There are fictional names to real characters in mine and your stories, but our land of the eternal is very real—nonfictional (actually occurring) as we live today. There are enemies and friendlies that move all around and about us, so listen closely as we venture into the world of the eternal. And experience the taste of immortality.

Time 2111—There is a character by the name of WarCof, also known by his initials (WC). It’s getting late; I have less than 3 hours. The time is dark, evil is lurking. WarCof is an image-bearer of the Light, an eternal being known as the—Wonderful Counselor. The earth at this time of our lives, is also know as—the world of wrath. This world of wrath is presently an age of what feels like an eternal hell; these earthly beings are wearing face masks, carrying hand sanitizers and disinfectants, maintaining social distancing to prevent the spread of the inevitable consequence of sin—death.

Time 2145—Laura and I (Nathan), decided to go out into the world of wrath between the gap of 0911-2111; for nearly 6 hours, we were out at a shopping center called NorthPark; we exchanged clothing items that were the wrong fit for us at the H&M shop, and found a gift for a close relative. The shopping center was packed with people, and as Laura and I walked a couple laps, the strangest thing started to happen with my eyes.

At first, all I saw was gray, the color gray was everywhere; the shops, the people, the merchandise, everything with a physical form was gray. I blinked a few times, no change. I closed my eyes and rubbed each of them simultaneously with my hands, when they opened, I met WarCof. WarCof strangely appeared in this magnificent color of white/purple, his figure wasn’t that attractive, but built like a man. He was about my height (5’7″), but couldn’t figure his weight, it wouldn’t register in my brain. His voice made a sharp deep powerful sound, although, it felt gentle to my ears—a perfect tone.

“Look”, he said. And when I did, I saw everything perfectly still. Nothing moved, no sound was made, no air was felt, and the people and their children completely frozen in their place. I saw families in mid step, mouths unmoved although stuck open from mid conversation, a kid frozen in mid air from leaping off a bench. Police officers… well… nothing too unique there, they were already posed.

But here is where it gets interesting.

As I continued to look … two distinct colors began to emerge specific to their gender, male and female; the women have this color combination of red/orange giving off this beautiful fiery glow, their bodies are transparent as the color intensifies at their core, their heart burns an intense deep red; the color of the men glow an amazing blue/green, and a deep cold dark blue intensifies at the heart, exactly the same way the deep red does for the women. Then my eyes shift to gaze upon my wife, I nearly fall to the ground ducking; she has this froze pissed off face, it’s actually quite cute and funny.

Laura burns with a different color than the other women I see. Her heart burns with that same intense deep red, but where there is a fiery orange for the other women… Laura has a gorgeous purple similar to that of WarCof. “Why”, I say to WarCof, but then everything unfreezes. WarCof is disappeared, gone. Everything returned as though nothing happened, but something remained…

THE TASTE OF IMMORTALITY

Can 2020 Be Redeemed?

#redeem2020

The complete and utter dumpster fire of a year that has been 2020 is becoming a trope, but I know it can still be a good year.

The Redeemer

One of my favorite names for God is Our Redeemer. It represents the power that God has to turn broken things into something new, something beautiful. One of the most compelling parts about this idea is that since humans are made in the image of God we are all little redeemers. Chip and Joanna Gaines (among many, many others) take dilapidated houses and turn them into dream homes. We see folks take run down cars and turn them into something functional. Gardeners take ground and turn it into beauty or food. If you look, you can see the story of redemption play out over and over and over again. Humans enjoy being little redeemers.

Can we redeem 2020? I believe we can. In fact, I believe we are meant to. We just need to figure out what that looks like and how we can do it.

An Image

I came across this image the other day on linked in and it really struck me.

a dream written down with a date becomes a goal. A goal broken down into  steps becomes a plan. A plan ba… | Hand quotes, Encouragement quotes,  Quotes about new year

I like this image because it is so simple, but there is something profound in it. It provides a playbook for anybody’s goals. Its a tool that turns a dream into a reality.

What’s The Big Idea?

I want everyone to set out to redeem 2020. A year when I lost family members and my job while you probably suffered losses of your own. We do not have much time, but a couple of weeks will give us plenty of opportunities to turn 2020 from a pile of junk to something beautiful.

A Dream

What would make this a good year for you? Would it be a good year if you made someone’s Christmas with an awesome gift? What about if you made up with that person you have been ignoring for months… maybe years? How about if you finally sold something you made with your own hands? Maybe 2020 could be the year you finally let your feelings known to someone close to you.

The Date

12/31/2020 – We are, afterall, trying to redeem this year.

A Dream + A Date = A Goal

Congratulations on setting a goal. Your goal is to ________________________ by 12/31/2020. If we want to succeed in achieving the goal then we need a plan. Below is rough outline of the steps we’ll need to take to realize our dreams

The Plan

  1. I need the following resources to achieve my goal
  2. Obtain all necessary resources or satisfactory substitutes
  3. List every action that needs to happen in order to achieve the goal
  4. Give each listed action a date

Act

Congratulations! We have made a plan! “A plan backed by action becomes a reality.” A car without fuel is just a very tiny, uncomfortable shelter. A plan without action is just a dream. Give yourself some fuel, get up, and move. All it takes is a little bit of movement each day and we could all redeem 2020.

Reality

Let us know how you chose to #redeem2020.

~Daniel F. Gray

Nathan’s Public Journal | I

Monday, 12/7/2020

Here I sit, cameras in view, the time for me to be off duty is fast approaching. It’s nearly 06:00 (military time) coming off of a 12hr deep night shift during the weekend. My occupation is as a level 2 Private Security Officer and my work schedule is not ideal, but it’s currently the closest to my preference considering the options; this schedule fits my focus at this duration of my life. That focus is … well, we’ll get to that, but right now I’m still getting over this cringe.

I didn’t realize just how, hmmm … damaged I was, until re-reading some of my material of old. I can see where my mind would get stuck in the trauma of my past; a lot of my first posts I’d published nearly 3 years ago are written in a language of which feels, irreconcilable. I think, needless to say, I’m thankful for the grace—to be ever learning through undeveloped skills—of inexperience; the mistakes are endless, and that’s frustrating (I learn hands-on). However, there is a story in my mess waiting to be written, just not yet. Alright—time to head home.

So… now I hope, is as good-a-time as any to welcome you to my journal. If you’ve followed along with me (I know those of you who have) until now, you know this about me. I’ve been thinking about this journal idea for too long now (like yesterday—that’s a joke); writing happens to be very therapeutic for me, so uh… thank you, Therapist, I guess. This idea is much-much more than a therapy session you get to sit in on to hear all about my life’s drama. It will be an empirical psychology, only it’s written to be watched through the lens of intuition and imagination that writing/reading ignites!

Psychology—according to wordnik—at its core; the study of the human soul. And there is where I’m going to learn how my salvation is alive! I don’t know about you, but I want to understand my soul. And more than that, I want to understand the relationship between salvation of the human soul and God. I want to learn about what my belief structure means; I found someone in the field of psychology, a mentor. I’m exercising (like working out in the gym or fitness center) the weight of the gospel in my conscience. So I thought, “Well, what if my ‘T4P’ people want to keep a watchful eye on this progress and quite possibly, discover something of their own by this as well?” A big part of this idea goes out to Dallas Fluegel (check em out on YouTube) because I really like how he has structured—is structuring—himself by his videos, and want to apply that to my life.

Tuesday, 12/8/2020

What if you could understand your personality?

Function the way that you do?

Feel the way that you feel?

Does that not sound absolutely terrifying, it’s so awesome! Anyway, there are reasons I behave the way I do as soon as I wake-up into this world of causality that provides insight into who Nathan is and why he is, the way he is. I want to tap into that meaning of myself, so… here it goes. *Let’s make this a page turner.

Is Every Person Convicted By The Holy Spirit?

The immediate answer that came to my mind was, “No. Because how can someone be convicted by what they don’t believe in?”. I had what felt like a heavy handed conversation last week, not in the way that you might interpret. We were talking about this question and I was explaining the experience of my conviction… Burdened—is probably a more appropriate word—I think is the term my friend used as he understood my position as perfect as a therapist would. I’ve had several conversations with this brother previous to this specific one. Diversity couldn’t be defined better upon learning about our relationship. And he was actually a prayer request to understand our present issues from a different perspective, and it was specific. My friend is a black gay conservative Christian.

My friend asked a good question about my conviction which was whether I believed I could lose my salvation. To which I referred to Hebrews and Romans for insight and pondered about how to answer considering my lifestyle compared to his belief; because he believed that a person can be saved while holding onto a homosexual lifestyle, whereas I believed that a person who has chosen that lifestyle has yet to become saved. I felt heavily burdened by communicating that because of how it might be perceived. The fact that it was a very delicate issue didn’t help and the last thing I wanted to communicate is myself to be the determining factor of salvation, but rather that the meaning of salvation is being communicated effectively through the conviction of the Holy Spirit. If what I am speaking is true, then the matter is turned to the person listening and contending with the Word of God for themselves. Jesus is the One Who determines their salvation by knowing the heart of that person processing the information of salvation.

What is biblical conviction? (see video)

What is the outcome for biblical conviction? (see video)


Walking With A Ghost

Have you considered going to your local park and walking with no strings attached, just you and the air you share with others on the path? If you haven’t, you should. When you do, you won’t even realize you’ve entered the dreamlike state of your life. You might even start to give off this impression that you’re insane to fellow walkers or over achieving joggers—you know the kind—by expressing yourself to the air as though someone was listening, like a ghost perhaps. See that’s when people should know that you are having a good walk rather than assuming the worst like, “That woman is definitely plotting to kill her husband“.

Sometimes you just need the nature of fresh air to sooth your emotions and balance out your senses before waking up to the chaos of your reality. I’m telling you, you’ll feel much better after your walk!

What’s amazing about a walk is… you’re free to go any direction you choose and place you arrive—even if it’s nowhere—because believe it or not, nowhere is actually a place identified by you because well… you’re somewhere. The point is that you are someone of unique and important value that can be appreciated when on a good solid walk with the ghost of the air. There are a lot of things going on in your life and it can be stressful to manage, that’s not including the pressure of unpredictable people that add to the affect of your life.

We just don’t have all the information about what is going on all the time and that’s ok. We don’t have to have all the information all the time because otherwise the treasure of information devalues like the time you drove that new car off the lot, why not purchase a used car and learn how to take care of it. It will teach a great deal about responsibility and give experience that you can share with others who might could use your skills changing out the drum breaks.

Anyway… the point is… go for a walk and talk to the ghost of the air and then listen closely because you won’t even realize that the ghost is speaking to you until you start to listen as you process. You’re not alone.

Garden of Language

I invite you to the place where I feel most free!

A place where God is the limit. A place where you know me.

It will feel like a dream, but it is a reality.

A place where language is a garden of spirituality.

This place is untainted by the world in which you know. The world you wake up in day after day and adapt to compromise for the excuses and lies. Here you’ll discover the version of yourself suppressed in darkness for fear of the light in everyone’s eyes.

There is a sound of music that speaks not what you’d expect. It’s a song that sings every genre, there is nothing quite like it. It will play without ceasing, we do not cease to exist.

A language of complete expression, there is no void, only the reality of your personality.

What is your mood?

Are you glad or sad?

There is a reason, there is a cause, but only for a season because there is a God.

See, in this language, we are a living symphony.

The decisions we have are not choices we make, but are a rhythm to the beat of loves’ sake.

It doesn’t take hearing to experience the wave of vibrations from the sound of listening.

Are you listening?

Can you hear?

There are tears… but not fear!

Listen…

Listen…

God is near.


When you think of the Garden of Eden, I ask that you don’t only think of it as a place that once existed in the past. But think of it as a spiritual language that has been passed on from generation to generation for all to hear and know the language of life found in Jesus Christ.